Almost September

I know it's almost September...when suddenly I feel a little blue. A sublte, but not subtle enough to go unnoticed, melancholy settles over me. I felt this happening a few days ago and normally I recognize it sooner, but I just couldn't figure out why I felt this way. I mean, sure, I've been having a little mommy burn-out here and there. It happens. But this was different.

Then I went to check my calander and it clicked. It's almost September! There is something about September. Xee and I have always found it to be nostalgic. Maybe it's because we started dating in September. Or maybe it is that September has come to represent change in our lives. We associate childhood memories of summer ending and school beginning. There was anticipation and hesitation and excitement, and a little fear. Fear of not knowing the full spectrum of things to come, yet a compelling desire to jump in and find out!

There is the inevitable change of summer to Indian summer and then to fall. Ah, the fall. One of our very favorite times of year. Now, I know that California doesn't have extreme season changes, but when we compare it to our current tropical home in Hawaii, the seasons in Southern California are noteworthy! Whatever it is, we seem to get a little home-sick around this time of year.

We miss our people. Sure, we have people here. We love our Hawaii people. But there are people, people we have history with, been-through-some-places-with-us people...that is who I'm talkin' about here. We will hopefully be in California for Christmas this year and already, the list of people we will try to see is growing unrealistically long. When we lived there we couldn't see everyone often, but just the possibility of it drew us close to one another.

And when I think about it, many of our people aren't even in California anymore. Life changes. People move on. Families grow. Responsibilities shift. Life gets busy. Okay, okay...forgive me, this has been an emotional year. I think it's safe to say that growing-pains are a life-long process. Seasons change, all throughout our lifetime. I find myself stopping periodically and asking myself, "How did I get here? When did I arrive in this place? How will it feel at the next destination?" How will I feel? Those same insecurities and the same sense of wonder still lurk on the edge of September.

Is it possible, I wonder, to love two places at once, with all of one's heart? If not, surely my heart is divided. We have great people. We love our people. And so there are little pieces of me...all over California, in Oregon, in Connecticut, and Colorado...in Arizona, New York, and of course, here in Hawaii. And since my sister just moved back to California, she brought the Utah pieces along with her.

I just want to take the time to say thanks to you people. We love you dearly. Thanks for meeting up with us via the blogsphere, email, facebook and other techie places. Oh, and my personal favorite, snail mail. There might be an ocean between us, but the kinship we feel with you all keeps you ever so close to our hearts. No, I don't mind this feeling at all. Welcome, September!

Be Amused

My dear friend over at the Tea Party Place posted this on her blog and I got such a kick out of it! I just had to post this clever practical joke here for our readers. I think you will enjoy it, especially you Mom.

Phoebe Prays

Another sweet prayer from my Phoebe this morning had me choking up a tiny bit-

"Dear God, please bless my mommy," she said as she layed a little hand on my shoulder (so sweet)."Please help Mommy to forgive me and me to forgive her. Amen."

Ah, this age is amazing. She is growing into such a little lady, looking at herself in the mirror this morning and declaring, "Wow, I look so fancy!" Then she grabbed her purse and we headed out the door. Later she was all tomboy, climbing up on her little step stool and pretending to ride a skateboard. Some days I don't think I am going to make it through age three. Today was in part one of those days toward the end. Sometimes I feel like I've just barely got my head above water. I am thankful for faith and oh so thankful for prayer. Where would I be without it?!!

While I don't usually treat this blog like a journal, I have something on my heart so indulge me for today.

Dear Diary,

I went for a run this morning...it seems that every time I do, I find myself thinking of Dad. Maybe it's the music on my iPod, or maybe it is the fact that he's the reason I started running in the first place.

Or maybe, just maybe, it is the sailboats. You see, God has given me a special gift, a sign of reassurance, since that first day of running at the beach. I always see a lone sailboat out on the water. It's not always the same one, but it doesn't matter. It is hard to explain how I knew that first time-that it was there for me-feeling a stillness within that could only come from my Creator, a peace come upon me as the boat sailed across the horizon. It is funny, because my dad didn't sail or even live near the water. I just find comfort in seeing that beautiful vessel, floating freely. I cannot touch it, or climb aboard...but it is there. And then it sails out of my site line, but I know it is still out there...

And maybe it is that the last weeks with my dad went so quickly, and I hardly believe he is truly gone. We weren't always very close and the recent distance in miles made it even harder to see one another. So I find myself thinking of our last times together-gaps were bridged and only unconditional love remained. So I cling to the last memory I have of us together in the hospital room, as I touched his head through a latex glove, and removed my mask for the first time to give him a real kiss on the cheek. And I said, "Okay Dad, see you Monday. I love you."

When Monday morning came and as I gathered my things to head over to the hospital, and I got that phone call, I immediately mourned for the loss of a hope I had been holding onto...a longing for just a few more memories to be created-in what little time I had imagined we might have left with him. And I was touched so deeply, holding my daughter tightly as she patted my chest and said, "It's okay, Mommy. I'm here." But it hurt, oh how it hurt, dear Diary.

I suppose I think of him during this time because I can. Running focuses me. I can be a bit flighty at times, my mind in a hundred different places at once-thoughts of my little one, my grocery list, unfinished projects around the house. But when I run, with my heart pounding in my chest, my legs pumping, my eyes narrowed ahead...I am moving forward. Everything else is behind me. Today I wipe away the sweat and the tears that have mixed in with the rain, and I am thankful. My mind is uncluttered and I can pray or think of someone special, or just enjoy the world around me. Yeah, I'm still running...And I'm still healing...And I'm still missing you, Dad.

Amen!

Phoebe's sweet little prayer before our morning Bible reading went like this-

Dear Lord, thank you for the day. Thank you for the Bible. Please bless us. Please bless my mommy. Bless me and her. Please help me to obey Mommy. Amen.

Random Thought

I just got back from the dentist a little while ago, not my favorite thing to do, but not all so bad. I was in for a cleaning last week when the doctor found a chip on one of my molars. Anyway, I was laying there, thinking about how our bodies function and how automatic things are. We get a feeling and we know we have to pee. We need to swallow, and our mouth and throat just do it. And it involves this very strong, has-a-mind-of-it's-own muscle...the tongue. As soon as the dentist sticks an apparatus in my mouth, I tell you, it is like a puppy, running around sniffing everything in sight. Good thing the dental assistant has two hands available, one for suction and the other to hold down my curious tongue!

I also find it odd that every time I get work done on my mouth, I am told the Novocaine will wear off in a couple hours or so. Really?! Because it has been three and a half hours and not only is the right side of my mouth and tongue still numb, but the Novocaine has spread to my chin and part of my nose. What's up with that? Maybe some people are more sensitive than others. Yeah, I realize this is a random post, but I was just thinkin' and I had the time to tell you all about it. Maybe I just needed something to take my mind off my growling belly...I tried eating. It feels weird and it takes forever to chew my food. Go away numbness. C'mon already!