Riding the Wheel

Sometimes there is just no better therapy than writing for me. Tonight though, it was immersing myself in a tub of hot water, and then bathing in a sudden downpour of salty tears. It took me by surprise, yet I suppose in my current hormonal condition, it shouldn't have. But there it was. There I was, letting it all out.

Today was day seven of a travelling husband, and that compounded with a bunch of other stuff we have been dealing with...stuff I have not disclosed in this blog because, well, it isn't necessary...but real life stuff, nonetheless. And the joys and challenges of being a mommy, only weeks away from baby number two. In addition to the weight of guilt I felt as I recounted the numerous times I blew it with Phoebe today. Well, let's just say that my busy schedule as of lately has kept me in a crying drought...until tonight.

Have you ever been on California Adventure's Ferris wheel? From far away it doesn't look that big, but close up it is impressive. When you board the ride, they ask you if you want to be in a stable car or one that also glides and swings along its own course. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I remember riding this with Xee and Phoebe a couple years ago. Xee gets a bit squeamish on these things, but I've never been afraid of heights, so when they asked if we wanted the stable car, I, wanting the full experience of course, opted for the other one (you know...the unstable one), despite the ever-increasing size of Xee's brown eyes, glaring at me in disapproval and beckoning me to change my mind. Hey, if you're gonna ride it, go for the gusto, right?

Ah, what a thrill! The slow and steady glide up, up, up, was quite refreshing. You can see half the park from way up there. Not scary at all...But then, without warning, you take a turn for the edge of the rotation and suddenly your stomach is taking a plunge as the car quickly glides into a rotation of it's own. A rotation within the rotation. Oh, and the swinging!...In mid-air, a hundred feet above the ground!

Everything around you is blurry. You can no longer focus on the beauty of the park, but only the sound of your own screaming voice and the look of torture on your poor husband's face. You giggle, because it is still deliriously fun (also for the sake of your crying child) and endure this sensation (twice) and round the corner with a sigh of relief, thinking the ride has come to a stop...only to realize that this is just a slight pause to let more passengers on, and now they are taking you around, ALL the way around...AGAIN!

So tonight when I stepped foot into my soothing hot bath, I had been going around slowly, feeling the breeze, taking in the scenery, breathing steadily, and suddenly, without warning, I must have come to that point in the curve. The point where my car dipped into its own rotation, and caught me a bit off guard. Everything was blurry and I could only hear the sound of my own sobbing....

Then I heard a song in my head. An old Amy Grant song I haven't heard in years came flooding to my mind. A gift from God to my overwhelmed heart. The spinning stopped. A deep breath of relief. Thank you, Lord, for the words You gave to me.

When the weight of all my dreams
is resting heavy on my head
And the thoughtful words of help and hope
have all been nicely said

But I'm still hurting
wondering if I'll ever be the one I think I am
I think I am

Then You gently re-remind me
that you made me from the First
And the more I try to be the best
the more I get the worst

And I realize the good in me
is only there because of who You are
Who YOU are

And all I ever have to be
is what You've made me
Any more or less would be a step
out of Your plan

As You daily recreate me,
help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
what I can find

All I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be...

Is what You've made me